It's on random!
by Prince Azrael
Summary: Imagine the worst karaoke singers you've ever heard. Now multiply that by 1000 and you've got the characters from Shaun of the Dead singing or in some cases warbling along on a night out at The Winchester!
1. Chapter 1

Unfortunately, none of the characters, locations, song lyrics etc belongs to me. I wish they did as I'd be rich by now, but there you go!

David: Someone remind me, why are we here?

Ed: We didn't invite you .Go home if you like.

Shaun: We're here to have some fun!

David: Oh yes, I forgot. Anything 'fun' for you has to happen at The Winchester.

Dianne: Daffs!

Shaun leads the gang into the Winchester, his one time safe haven against the living dead. Over the noise of the jukebox and various sad middle aged men with nowhere better to go, a voice is heard.

John: Ladies, Gentlemen erm… Zombies, names and songs in the hat please. First one I pick out is first up to the mike. Yes people, It's that time again; Karaoke Night!

David: Oh great! Singing! My favourite ahem past time.

Dianne: But you're always singing in the shower Daffs. Remember yesterday when I came home and you were singing 'Ladies night?'

Ed: Gay!

David: Thank you very much Dianne. (Mumbles under his breath incoherently)…ladies night…was not…stupid…squeaky voice…silly green hat…

John: Right you lucky people, first to the stage we have…insert random name here

Shaun: I wanted to go first!

Liz: Don't be such a baby!

In the background the music starts up followed shortly by random person singing 'I Will Survive.'

Phillip: Not this crap again!

Ed: Who put this on?

Shaun: It's on random…I mean…karaoke…

Dianne: Oh I love this song!

David: …likes I Will Survive…bad taste…failed actress…

Liz: What was that David?

David: Nothing Lizzie. And may I say how wonderful you're looking tonight.

David attempts to look suave. He fails. Miserably.

John: Well what a start to the evening! Let's see if (pulls name out of hat)… Ed can top that performance.

Ed saunters onto the stage, picking up the mike and waving to his friends…and David.

Ed: Prepare to be blown away!

There's laughter from the crowd as Ed pulls off his jacket to reveal a tight pink t-shirt (a la Mike in 'Spaced') and starts to sing.

Ed: (Singing-if you can call it that!) Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

All except Shaun sit with mouths wide open, not quite sure where to look. After years of being friends with Ed, Shaun is used to scary sights like this.

Ed: Don't cha

John: Well that was…interesting…

Ed: I've not finished!

John: I think you have mate!

Ed joins the others, his face almost as red as Shaun's shirt after Z-Day.

John: Moving swiftly on. Next up we have…Liz.

Liz: (singing)

Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me

I think they're O.K

If they don't give me proper credit

I just walk away…

Barbara: Elizabeth's quite good at singing, isn't she Shaun?

Shaun is off in his own world, watching Liz on the stage.

Liz: (singing) We are living in a material world and I am a material girl.


	2. Somethin' stupid

**Unfortunately, none of the characters, locations, song lyrics etc belongs to me. I wish they did as I'd be rich by now, but there you go!**

**Thanks for the reviews.**

The sound of the out of tune wailing to the karaoke drifts through the windows of the Winchester and out onto the street. It meets with the ears of a group of people huddling together outside. One lifts his head and although his face is obscured by a hood the strange deathly moaning from within can not be mistaken.

Inside the Winchester, Ed is reveling in his new found fame after his rather good rendition of the Pussycat Dolls. Meanwhile, Barbara and Phil have taken the mic and are singing along to "Something Stupid." Each grins cheesily at the other, blissfully unaware of Shaun making throwing up gestures at them, and even less aware of the threatening presence outside the pub.

Phil: 'And then I go and spoil it all by saying somethin' stupid…'

Barbara: '…like I love you.'

Liz: Isn't it romantic?

Liz smiles at Shaun who is glaring at Phil. By the time Shaun notices Liz looking at him she has already turned away, shaking her head at his immaturity.

Dianne: Oh, my turn!

David and Shaun groan in unison. Both look at each other as if they are disgusted that they are having the same thought. Dianne runs up to the front and grabs the microphone from Phil.

Dianne: 'Fame' please!

Back outside, the living dead are –very slowly- on the move, moaning and groaning as they make their way to the pub door.

Dianne: '…I can catch the moon in my hands,

Don't you know who I am?

Remember my name…

I'm gonna live for…e…ver…'

Puzzled by Dianne's abrupt ending to the song and the fact that all the colour appeared to have drained from her face, the rest of the gang follow her gaze to the door where they are met with a terrifying sight. Yes, the zombies are there and they're bigger and…well, deader, than ever…

**Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, I wanted to leave it on a cliffhanger!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Unfortunately, none of the characters, locations, song lyrics etc belongs to me. I wish they did as I'd be rich by now, but there you go!**

**Again, thanks loads for the reviews.**

As the zombies approach, both Shaun and David instinctively stand protectively in front of Liz resulting in much shoving between the two.

David: Er, We have a situation!

Shaun, Liz and Ed: We know!

Dianne drops the mic and runs to the others. The group stands amongst the panicked regulars who are running around the pub aimlessly, scrambling over each other to get to an exit. Shaun and Co. are frozen to the spot; this situation is far too familiar to them.

Dianne: Oh no, no, not again!

Shaun glances wearily towards the dartboard and without realizing moves his hand to his head, mentally reliving his last encounter with Dianne and the darts. He winces at the thought and then becomes aware of the others staring hopefully at him.

David: Got any good ideas, Captain Wow?

Liz: Shaun?

Shaun: Give me a minute…

Dianne: I don't think we have one!

Shaun: Ok…Everyone over the Bar!

They all scramble over the bar in a tangle of arms and legs and land in a pile on the floor. David takes the opportunity to "accidentally" kick Shaun in the stomach. As they all organize themselves they notice that Ed has casually walked round the side of the Bar. Ed notices that they are glaring at him and shrugs.

Ed: What? I was _going_ to tell you to go round the side but you'd already piled over the top.

Luckily for them, the zombies had so far been preoccupied with the other regulars giving Shaun time to come up with a plan.

Shaun: Right, as we all know, the Bar isn't exactly the best place to be in this kind of situation, so I have come up with a cunning plan that might just work.

David: Might? Might just work?

Barbara: Go on, Pickle.

Shaun: Liz, get the nibbles, Ed get the drinks… no, on second thoughts, Phil, get the drinks…

Ed: Hey!

Shaun: Sorry, don't trust you with the booze. Anyway, grab as much as you can, then head upstairs.

Phil: Upstairs? We'll be trapped.

David: And there might be zombies up there.

Shaun: Well, you have two choices: stay here and face all these zombies OR you could go upstairs and face a possible one or two. You decide.

It's not long before they're all upstairs with the door barricaded and a large supply of food and drinks scattered around the living room of the flat above the bar. Fortunately, there are no zombies upstairs, and Shaun is almost certain that none of the undead in the bar have noticed them make their escape.

Shaun: Everyone ok?

He turns to look at David, Dianne and Liz who are cowering beneath the dining table, armed with assorted blunt objects found around the flat. Ed's sitting on a dining chair, brandishing a metal saucepan. He hums the tune to the Pussycat Dolls whilst swinging his legs under the table in tune with the song. The occasional 'ouch!' is heard from underneath the table as one of Ed's feet makes contact with David, Dianne or Liz.

Barbara: Nice flat isn't it?

Phil: So what do we do now?

Shaun: We sit and wait for them to leave.

David: And if they don't?

Shaun: If they don't…

David: You don't know. Do you?

Liz and Dianne: Daffs.

Liz: Can't you ever shut up? You were saying, Shaun?

Shaun: No, he's right. If they don't go then…


	4. Chapter 4

**Unfortunately, none of the characters, locations, song lyrics etc belongs to me. I wish they did as I'd be rich by now, but there you go!**

**Thanks loads for the great reviews! Please keep reviewing so that I can keep writing!**

After an hour waiting the gang start to get bored. Shaun even contemplates going and luring some zombies upstairs, just to give them something to do. David, still under the table, falls asleep with his head on Liz's shoulder and his feet in Dianne's lap, and snores almost loud enough to drown out the sound of the zombies below. Ed amuses himself by aiming mini cheddars into David's mouth, although he isn't exactly a great shot, and Dianne finds herself being frequently pelted with crumbs. Sitting by themselves in a corner, Barbara and Phillip read books found in a cupboard in the flat.

Liz: Do you think it's safe yet?

They all go silent and try to listen for signs that the zombies are still about. Over David's snoring the faint sound of undead wailing is heard.

Liz: That's a no then.

Barbara: Maybe we could try getting out from up here. There must be a fire escape.

Ed: But there might be, you know, "Z's" outside.

Shaun looks out of the window, nodding at what he sees.

Liz: Well?

Shaun: Yep, they're out there.

Dianne: How many?

Shaun: Lots…

Dianne: So we're not going out the fire escape then?

Shaun raises his eyebrows at her then turns to Ed.

Shaun: Ed, can you here that?

Ed: What. (he successfully aims a mini cheddar at David) Yes!

Shaun: Exactly. Other that the snoring it's all gone quiet.

Ed: What's your point?

Dianne: I think he's trying to say that the zombies have gone.

They all turn to look at her, surprised by an actually sensible sounding remark. Their attention is then quickly drawn to the door, through which a loud banging sound is heard, followed by moaning of the z-word kind.

Dianne: Or perhaps they haven't.

Crashing sounds come from behind the door. The zombies are trying to break in, and there's nowhere to go. Once again Shaun's plan has left them trapped.

Shaun: Everyone hide!

Phil: And where exactly do you propose we do that?

Shaun: Just do it! Guys, get out from under the table!

Dianne: We're trying!

Liz and Dianne attempt to wake David and move him from them.

Dianne: David. David. David. Daffs! David?

Liz: David!

David: Yes Lizzie?

At the moment David wakes up the first zombie bursts through the door.

David: AAAHHHH!

Ed: Ha! He screams like a girl!

Shaun: Now's not the time Ed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Unfortunately, none of the characters, locations, song lyrics etc belongs to me. I wish they did as I'd be rich by now, but there you go!**

Liz: What do we do?

Shaun: Ok, if they're up here, we need to be down there. Just make for the door and get downstairs as fast as you can, right?

Everyone nods in agreement.

Shaun: Good luck guys, try not to get yourself bitten!

They all get to their feet with the assorted objects, ready to fend off any zombies.

Shaun: Just smack 'em in the head!

Shaun moves first, flanked by Ed and Liz, each taking out a zombie. A joint effort between Barbara and Dianne kills another. Phillip skillfully manouvers a cricket bat, managing to dispose of two zombies in one go. Shaun notices this and is impressed by his step-dad's skills.

Phillip: What? I used to play cricket a lot as a child.

Shaun reaches the door quickly, smacking a zombie in the head as he opens it. He pushes Liz through the door in front of him and instructs her to go downstairs.

Shaun: I have to get Ed and Mum.

Liz glares at him.

Shaun: And Dianne.

Liz continues to glare. Shaun sighs.

Shaun: And Phillip.

David: Hey!

Shaun turns to David who is still under the table.

Shaun: What are you doing?

David: You seem to have it all under control.

Dianne pulls a reluctant David out from under the table and thrusts a saucepan into his hand.

Dianne: Just head for the exit!

They both make their way to the door. David manages to avoid hitting a single zombie on the way there, allowing Dianne to do all the work.

Shaun: Right, follow Liz downstairs.

They are shortly followed by Ed who is defending Barbara with a table leg.

Shaun: Where'd you get that?

Ed: I may have erm…broken something.

Shaun: Whatever. Mum, are you alright?

Barbara: I'm fine, pickle.

Shaun: Good, now get downstairs with the others.

Phillip is the final person out of the flat, with an impressive count of 8 zombie kills.

Shaun: Good work Da…Phil.

Shaun closes the door to the flat and heads downstairs with Phil.

Shaun: Now I just have to think of where we go from here.


	6. Chapter 6

**Unfortunately, none of the characters, locations, song lyrics etc belongs to me. I wish they did as I'd be rich by now, but there you go!**

Everyone was huddled together in the passage behind the bar.

David: So where do we go from here?

Shaun: Why don't you try thinking of something for once!

David: Oh, I don't know, maybe we could stop coming to this pub because every time we're here we seem to be attacked by zombies!

Ed: All right!

Liz: Well we're here now so we have to…

Dianne: Make the best of it. We know! But can't anyone hear that…

Shaun: Anyway "Daffs", you didn't object to coming here when you heard Liz was coming.

David: And what exactly do you mean by that?

Shaun: Don't play stupid with me!

Dianne: Guys?

David: Stupid? Stupid? You're the stupid one, getting us stuck in here, surrounded by zombies.

Dianne: Hello?

Barbara: Don't you talk to my son like that!

Dianne: Why is no one listening to me?

Shaun, David, Liz and Ed: What!

Dianne: It's behind you.

Shaun slowly turns to face the doorway to the bar.

Shaun: Oh no…

The large, one-armed zombie in the doorway lunges for Shaun.

Ed: Shauny!

Ed throws the table leg to Shaun. It flies over his head and he quickly scrambles to get it, but the zombie reaches him before he reaches the table leg. Shaun cowers away from the zombie, preparing to be bitten.

A sudden thump is heard, and the zombie falls to the floor. Standing behind it, table leg in hand, is David, a triumphant grin on his face.

Liz: Shaun, he just saved your life!

David and Shaun: Damn!

Shaun: I had it under control!

David: Didn't look like it!

Liz: Please just shut up!

David and Shaun: But Liz…

Liz: Both of you!

Phill: I hate to interrupt but don't you think we should be working on a way out of here?

Shaun: Listen, I know it's my fault we're here…

David: Once again.

Ed: Shut up!

Shaun: …but I promise I'll get us out of here.

Dianne: Like you promised us free cable?

Shaun: What was that?

Dianne: Nothing.

Shaun: Ok, so if we can all work together we'll all get out of here in one piece, ok?

At that moment a zombie bursts through from the bar, hitting Shaun with the door as he does so. Shaun, knocked out by the impact, falls to the floor. Barbara rushes to her son whilst David sighs and rolls his eyes.

David: My hero…


	7. Chapter 7

**Unfortunately, none of the characters, locations, song lyrics etc belongs to me. I wish they did as I'd be rich by now, but there you go!**

**Thanks for all your reviews so far; they're very much appreciated!**

Barbara: Shaun!

Barbara shakes Shaun, attempting to wake him. David, grinning slyly, pokes Shaun with the table leg.

Dianne: Daffs!

David: Sorry.

He stops poking Shaun and instead taps him on the head with the table leg. Liz sighs and grabs Shaun under the arms.

Liz: We really haven't got time for this!

Dianne grabs Shaun's feet in an attempt to help Liz drag an unconscious Shaun outside.

Dianne: A little help would be nice!

Ed and David look at each other and shrug. Neither makes an attempt to help. Phillip makes a swift move into the bar, careful not to attract any undead attention, and returns with a pint of beer.

Ed: Now that's more like it! Nothing like a good pint to help us think clearly!

Phillip: It's not for you.

Ed looks on in horror as Phill pours the pint over Shaun's head.

Ed: Don't waste the whole pint!

Shaun jumps at the touch of the ice-cold alcohol. Startled, Liz and Dianne drop him to the floor.

Shaun: What was that for?

Liz: Sorry. We were trying to move you.

Shaun: No, not that. Someone was poking me.

David quickly conceals the table leg under his jacket. Secretly wanting Shaun to know it was him, he begins to whistle loudly. Shaun glares at him and David smiles with mock innocence.

David: Wasn't me…

Shaun pulls himself up from the puddle of beer he's sitting in. Ed looks mournfully at the wasted alcohol.

Shaun: So, where did we get to, before…you know…

Barbara: You were saying we should stick together.

Shaun: Right, yes, erm…

Shaun looks around, still a little dazed. Whatever idea he had before, the attack from the zombie has knocked it right out of his head.

Shaun: I think the best thing to do is…

He is interrupted by a loud groaning sound from the bar.

Liz: Run for it?

They all attempt to squeeze through the backdoor together and land in a heap outside. Shaun is the first to his feet. He pulls the others up after him, resisting the temptation to push David back down.

They speed down the alleyway along the back of the pub. Phill leads, with Shaun trying to catch up, not wanting to be outrun by his step dad. David, Dianne and Liz follow closely, with Ed and Barbara trailing behind.

Shaun: Come on!

Dianne: Where are we going?

Shaun: Just run!

David: You obviously haven't thought this through! Are you seriously suggesting we just keep running until all this is over?

Ed: Yeah, what if we run so far _from_ the zombies, that we end up running _into_ the zombies?

Shaun: You idiot.

Ed: What?

Shaun stops suddenly and the others collide with him.

Shaun: Ed, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. '_What if we run into them?' _We're not running in a circle. I do know what I'm doing!

David: Could have fooled me!

The others look on, completely perplexed by the exchange of words between Shaun and Ed.

Ed: Well if it's so stupid, why can I hear zombies approaching now?

Shaun: What?

Ed: Listen.

Everyone goes silent. Footsteps can be heard approaching fast down the narrow alleyway.

Shaun: Nobody move.


	8. Chapter 8

**Unfortunately, none of the characters, locations, song lyrics etc belongs to me. I wish they did as I'd be rich by now, but there you go!**

The footsteps get louder and louder as they approach.

Dianne: What are we going to do?

Shaun beckons for them all to stand behind him. He takes a few strides down the alleyway and stands ready to face whatever is about to attack them. They are just around the corner now. Shaun closes his eyes, pulls his fist back and then swings his arm out wildly, hoping to make contact with whatever is there.

OWW!!!!!

Shaun opens his eyes, and is filled with relief when he sees not a zombie before him, but a slightly dazed looking Yvonne, with her gang following closely behind her.

Yvonne: What are you trying to do?

She rubs the side of her face where a bright red fist shaped mark has appeared.

Shaun: Sorry, I thought you were one of them.

Yvonne shrugs and waves at the others.

Yvonne: Hey Liz, hey guys.

Shaun's group wave and Yvonne's group respond with assorted mumbles and gestures. None of them ever expected to meet each other again in these circumstances.

Shaun: Where are you off to? Same place as last time?

Yvonne: Yeah, it saved us before so…

She makes an exaggerated 'cross fingers' sign to Shaun.

Yvonne: How about you? Thought you'd be at The Winchester.

Shaun: I thought after last time we needed to find somewhere safer, you know, more secure. Away from the zombies.

David: Oh yeah, sure you did. But before you made that _ingenious_ decision you not only managed to get us barricaded in the pub _surrounded_ by zombies, you also got yourself knocked out by one, didn't you?

David smiles triumphantly.

David: Forgot to mention that bit, didn't you?

Yvonne: Anyway… where are you going then? Your place? Liz's?

Shaun: Erm… yeah, Liz's place. We're going to Liz's place.

Liz: We are?

Shaun: Yeah. That was my plan from the beginning.

Liz raises her eyebrows at Shaun. David scoffs at him.

David: Oh was it? Then why have we been running in circles for the last 10 minutes?

Shaun: Well at least I've been trying to figure something out. If we'd left it to you to come up with something we'd still all be stuck under a table in The Winchester eating mini cheddars!

David: If it had been up to me we wouldn't have been in The Winchester in the first place!

Shaun: You didn't have to come! You just follow Liz around everywhere like a lost puppy.

Liz: Please don't start that again!

Phill listens to the impending argument, shaking his head and laughing. He turns to Barbara.

Phil: (_aside to Barbara). _Are you starting to think you've heard this all before?

Barbara just sighs and smiles at Dianne, who is staring at the quarrelling men, trying to make a list in her head of all the reasons why she is still with David. She hasn't got very far…

David: I've had about as much as I can take of you!

Shaun: What are you going to do? Bore me death? Or maybe you should just get lost!

David: Oh that's mature!

Yvonne: Listen, guys, I think we're just going to leave you to it…You obviously have some problems you need to sort out.

Shaun: He's the one with problems, not me!

David: Grow up!

Dianne: Both of you grow up!

Shaun and David are shocked by Dianne's outburst. Shaun goes red and looks at his feet, embarrassed, as if he has only just realised how immature the argument is.

Dianne: You need to stop this childish arguing and realise that right now getting somewhere safe is more important than whether Shaun had a plan or if Daffs fancies Liz!

David: But I don't…

Dianne: I don't care!

Dianne starts to walk off down the alleyway.

David: Dianne…

Dianne: Are we going to Liz's or what?


	9. Chapter 9

**Unfortunately, none of the characters, locations, song lyrics etc (or deal or no deal!) belongs to me. I wish they did as I'd be rich by now, but there you go!**

Dianne leads the way to Liz's, pausing every now and again to make sure the others are still behind her and have not A) been eaten by zombies or B) stopped to argue incessantly. They reach the flat relatively unharmed, other than a dent to David's head from a stone, which flew at him from Shaun's direction.

Liz: Coffee anyone?

Ed: Got anything stronger?

Liz: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Ed: Put it this way, would you rather face zombies sober or so drunk that you don't have a clue what you're doing?

Shaun: He's got a point.

David: Always agree with your boyfriend don't you Shaun?

Dianne: Not here!

David: Sorry!

Silence descends on the group as they sit in Liz's lounge sipping at coffee, or in Ed's case, beer. After watching the minute hand move round the clock for at least the 26th time, Shaun decides to break the silence with something profound.

Shaun: Do you want to put the telly on?

The entire group nod or murmur their agreement, except for Ed who in the short space of time has fallen asleep and is now snoring loudly. Shaun grasps for the remote and flicks on the telly. It's Deal or no Deal.

(Presenter on the T.V): So Daisy, £25,000. Deal or no Deal?

David: No deal! No deal!

Everyone turns to David, bemused looks on their faces.

David: What?

Shaun: Anyway…

Liz: Wait a minute, the telly's on.

Shaun: Yes, because…we turned it on.

Liz: Oh yes, well done Einstein! What I meant was that last time we were in this situation noting came on, remember? It was just blank screens and technical problem announcements.

Shaun looked at Liz blankly. He didn't get the point.

Liz: If the zombies are back then why is the television still on? Surely all the channels should have gone down like last time? Try the news channel.

Shaun flicks to another channel, where a news reporter is summing up the day's events.

News reporter: So, a quick recap of today's news; Man finds crisp in shape of Gordon Ramsay, Andy Millman makes a surprise triumph at Golden Globes, and in sport, Leicester City beats Chelsea 3-0.

Liz: That's strange.

Shaun: Tell me about it! 3-0?

Barbara: No pickle, I think Liz meant that there was no mention of the zombies.

David: Surely zombies are bigger news than a crisp?

Liz: Hang on a minute.

Liz picks up her phone and dials the number for her parents.

Liz: Oh, hi Mum. I was just wondering how you were…oh good, and Dad?…really…so, nothing odd happening then?… I mean like, oh it doesn't matter…speak to you soon. Bye.

Dianne: Well?

Liz: My Mum didn't mention anything about it either. It's as if this time this is the only place that's been affected. Something really weird is going on.


End file.
